


Coming To Terms

by Animefan22



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, i needed to let off some depressive steam and what better, light cursing, mention of depression, mention of suicide, ohhhh my goood, self-deprication, than to use eli and honoka as my muses, the summary just looks dark, this was vent and then it became a full on fic, y'all don't be decieved by the summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 06:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10758819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animefan22/pseuds/Animefan22
Summary: "But the last time I told someone all this, they told me I was disgusting [...] and they left me."





	Coming To Terms

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo boy... This was a real doozy of a write for me to do up in like... 2 hours. I also honestly wasn't expecting it to go this way nor get this long. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. I also would love to thank my lovely Squish for some help with writing the compliments and I would love to give a *big* thank you to myself for being a depressive asshole for no reason (/sarcasm). Anywho, enjoy!

Ayase Eli was everything a girl could only hope to be like. She was Confident, a grade-A student, diligent, she was a dream for both parents, teachers, and students who aspired to be like her. But under her strong facade and numerous blockades to front, she was a normal high schooler with normal problems. Or as normal as she felt they were. Other times when her problems came into play, they didn’t fit as ‘normally’ as others would put it and thus she would hide them further inside herself, pushing them down so far she became numb to the pain. Numb to the shooting pain that would occur in her right hand when she was left to her own devices and would get to thinking too much for too long.

\----  
  
Eli had lived her whole life with these problems (well, probably not her _whole life,_ but it was at least the majority of her life), and didn’t let them onto anyone, that included her parents, who were both none the wiser to what their daughter was hiding all by her lonesome. She had thought to get help, the thought was rather intrusive as she’d think it to be but given enough dwelling upon, it seemed to be a really solid thought process. That is, until she thought of the strain it’d put on her family to pay for the expenses much less let someone else besides herself into her mind. She wished the thought away whenever it would arise.  
  
Though, thoughts like those, and others she’s had in the past, didn’t crop up again till she started dating Kousaka Honoka. The two have known and grew up with each other all their lives in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools (albeit Eli was Honoka’s senior by a year), but never did Eli think she’d date her best friend, let alone come to the conclusion all her own to explain how she’s been feeling for the past few weeks, let alone the years they’ve been together.  
  
The night Eli decided to basically ‘come clean’ to Honoka was a night full of panic for the blonde and she couldn’t properly articulate what she wanted to say before her girlfriend arrived at her house (thankfully her parents and sister were out for the night and would be out for a while, it being the weekend and all). Even though she was practicing what to say and how to say it, she was still struggling and ended up getting too caught in her own thoughts that she didn’t hear the knocking at her front door nor the ringing of the bell, both of which signalling that Honoka had arrived. Both of those sounds didn’t permeate her mind to derail her from her thought process, though what did was the buzzing of her phone which she deemed was too loud and caused her to yelp and jump from it going off.  
  
Noticing the device finally after her heart calmed from the small scare, she unlocked it to see a text from Honoka that read _‘I’m here, can you let me in?’_ .  
  
“O-oh, right.” Eli swallowed and then sighed out and set her phone back down in lieu of making a bee-line to the door to let in the other girl. She apologised when the ginger stepped in, to which she brushed off with a ‘it’s fine, don’t worry’.  
  
Finally getting settled inside, and while they waited for the food to cook, Honoka sat down on one of chairs in the living room and asked “So, besides dinner, you said you wanted to talk to me?” A small tilt of her head. “What about, Elicchi?” The nickname Nozomi used for her best friend came out of Honoka’s mouth to make light, friendly conversation between her and her girlfriend without the use of the honourifics they always used.  
  
“Ah, yeah… About that…” Eli was struggling with how to word things again and Honoka could tell.  
  
“Elicchi, you don’t have to force yourself.” Honoka said in a reassuring tone, a hand extending to show she was there.  
  
“I have problems.” Eli all but blurted out finally. “I’ve got a small case of depression, probably some pretty bad OCD. I have fear and abandonment issues with no way of knowing _where_ those problems even came from, not to mention I’m afraid of the dark,” Eli rambled on all the while her girlfriend just sat there and listened, watching the blonde pace as she spoke and listed all the flaws she had. “I have a really high libido despite my being a virgin." She had no idea why she felt the need to add that in there but she did and she was talking a mile a minute to even backtrack and apologise for it. "And I’ve never dated anyone seriously sans well… Someone before you.” Eli gestured to the girl in the chair before her alluding to her previous fling before Honoka and then she went back to her pacing and complaining. This was a long time coming for Eli to say and she hated how it had to come out this way (how she couldn’t have found an easier way to explain it rather than blurt it all out at once), especially after the time they’ve shared being together, both as friends and lovers. If she could reverse time and redo this whole moment of basically telling the ginger her whole life story, she would.  
  
“The last time I told someone all this, they told me I and my problems were disgusting and tried to get me to change for them. And when I couldn’t change, they up and left me.” A sigh escaped Eli’s lips and her eyes closed, hands fidgeting and clenching and unclenching at her sides, unable to find something to stimulate her hands with. “I don’t know what you see in me when I have so many problems, so many things wrong with me.” She finally stopped pacing and sat down on the sofa, her elbows resting on her knees with her face in her hands. “I’ve never even had a first kiss before… I’m not worth your time.” She murmured and shook her head.  The girl on the other side of the coffee table stared at her after taking in all Eli had just said.  Eli didn’t make another sound and neither did Honoka as she drank in everything till she was basically satisfied. Silently, Honoka stood up from her spot in the chair and made her way around the coffee table and made herself comfortable besides her blonde senior, pulling her into an embrace the both of them knew Eli needed now more than ever before.  
  
“Eli, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m probably just as bad as you.” Honoka gave a short, almost curt laugh. “I have issues too, you know this.” A hand came and played with Eli’s ponytail, twirling some strands at the ends between and around her fingers.  “I’ve got depression too, maybe even some suicidal tendencies thrown in there because of it. I have the lowest self-esteem of the nine of us.” Honoka trailed off at the end in mention of their friends. Eli’s shoulders were slowly loosening from the intimacy of just a gentle touch and soothing word.  
  
“But aside from all that,” Honoka started up again. “I love you for who you are, flaws and all. What anyone else has said to you or about your flaws in the past is bullshit and you shouldn’t pay them any mind past a passing glance.” That got Eli to lift her head from her hands.  “I don’t care if you have OCD or a high libido or even if you’re afraid of the dark.”  
  
“Really?” Eli looked up and croaked out from lack of usage after a full on rant.  
  
“Really really.” Honoka confirmed and kissed her temple.  
  
“Tell you what, for all the bad you think about yourself, just remember that I think highly of you. Whenever you start to think of things like this, or have intrusive thoughts like I know you have,” that caused a quirk of Eli’s brow because how did Honoka know this? Oh right, she’s got similar problems to Eli.  
  
“Just remember that I love you and I love when you play your guitar. Just know that I love when you smile, because there’s a small part of me that believes I caused you to smile.” And with that being said, Eli couldn’t help the small smile appearing on her lips. She tried in vain to look away to hide it but to no avail, Honoka saw it regardless.  
  
“Just like that, Eli.” Honoka had a smile of her own on her lips now too. “And you’re worth every second of my time, even if you think you aren’t worth anyone’s time, you’re definitely worth mine.  
  
“When you talk about things you’re passionate about, like your ballet when you’d do it, or the new song you learnt to play on the guitar, or anything in-between really, is what I love about you too. You always get so excited when you get on topics like that.” Hearing that caused a light pink to dust over Eli’s cheeks, nose, and tips of her ears.  
  
“Not to mention you always know what to say and when to say it, regardless of how tense a situation is. You’re so goddamn intelligent and I listen to you for hours just talking, even if you’re talking about literally nothing, because it would never bore me.  
  
“Sometimes I even wonder what I did to end up with a wonderful, caring, hard-working girl like you because just looking at you, from the outside in terms of someone not dating you, or from the inside from a person who is dating you, I know I don’t deserve you.” Honoka finalised her statement, rather her own little rant. Eli tried to rebuttal but was cut off when Honoka placed a finger to her lips.  
  
“You’re a gentle, warm hug that I can rely on and go to whenever I feel alone. No matter what you do, I’m forever proud of you and all you set out to do and accomplish.”  
  
The ding from the timer on the stove went off to signify their food was done. Eli was first to look in the direction of the kitchen but Honoka was the first to speak on the matter.  
  
“C’mon, it sounds like the food is ready and boy am I hungry.” Eli smiled and gave Honoka a peck to the cheek.  
  
“Food sounds good right about now, yeah.” A particularly loud growl from Eli’s stomach gave way to her hunger. Her hand came to rest on her abdomen and together with Honoka, they both stood up and made their way in tandem into the kitchen.  
  
\----  
  
Sitting at the dining table to eat, Eli explained a lot better on how her problems affect her and why she was so nervous (and a bit anxious) to basically bare her soul to Honoka about them all. Never did she think that Honoka could be so understanding, even after all they’ve been through, but she was and Honoka was the reassurance Eli needed to finally think she could get over these hurdles in her life.  
  
\----  
  
After they finished eating, the two girls made their way back to the living room to sit on the couch again, this time in much higher, lighter spirits than before. Before sitting down, Honoka asked if Eli wanted to watch a movie to which the blonde happily accepted. She gave Honoka free reign to pick the film, hopefully it was something the two of them could agree on and enjoy together. While Honoka busied herself with the movie, player, and television, Eli went and grabbed the biggest blanket from her room and when she came back to the room again, she caught herself staring at her girlfriend and thinking how she could be so lucky to have someone like Honoka, someone who understood her and accepted her for her and not a false front.  
  
Finally figuring out the player and its remote, Honoka declared it as such and turned to make her way back to the couch, but also came to face the blonde who, by staring, seemed to be in a trance of sorts.  
  
Eli saw Honoka walk towards her but it didn’t register until Honoka was kissing her face all over.  
  
“H-honoka,” A giggle slipped out of her mouth. “Honoka, please.” Eli finally got out and looked at her lover.  
  
“You were staring, you okay?” Honoka asked, tilting her head as only a puppy would.  
  
“Yes, I am.” A smile and she captured Honoka’s lips in her own, the blanket in her arms creating a cushioned barrier between the two. “C’mon, you wanted to watch a movie right?” Enthusiastic nodding came from the younger girl to which Eli laughed at, and Honoka grinned for she finally got Eli to smile and laugh all at once. “Back to the couch then.” She made the short way to the couch with Honoka hot on her tail.  
  
Sitting down on couch, the two of them got comfortable and Eli draped the blanket over them, Honoka grabbed the player’s remote and pressed the ‘play’ button and the whirring of the machine went off to tell the movie was starting.  
  
Normally, when Eli and Honoka would cuddle together on the couch, it was Honoka leaning on and clinging to Eli, but for tonight, it was the reverse and Eli found herself being the (although not literal) little spoon in the cocoon of a blanket they were cuddled under together. She was warm and it was all thanks to Honoka. She smiled to herself and snuggled closer into her girlfriend whom of which allowed Eli to do as she pleased for the remainder of the night. This was the kind of thing Eli needed and she was thankful she was getting it.


End file.
